Tuesday, August 9, 2011

What is going on with me!?!

I really don't have time to be blogging but I need a release. This is my coffee break, especially as I did have a coffee today from the next door espresso bar which is usually really nice and it was crap. I rarely drink coffee and this is why. It can be so hit and miss. The milk tasted too sweet and the beans tasted charred. I'm sad my colleague wasted his money buying this round.

Anyway slight side track there. As you know I've been seriously all over the place the last two weeks. I have been told so many times this is part of that great ol' process of a 60 Day Challenge. We had an amazing, eye opening seminar on the emotional side of Bikram yoga on Saturday. It deserves a whole post so I won't go into too much now. It opened my eyes as I ticked the boxes as to where I was tight and holding tension was linked directly with how I'm feeling right now.

I started having twice weekly massage treatments on my shoulders to combat the frozen muscles I have from my desk job. This progressed to seeing a physio and having acupuncture. It's worked, I feel less tight. However I learned on Saturday there is a lot more to my shoulder issue emotionally. I have too much on my plate. Instead of saying no to people I say yes as I know at some point I will get it done. I'm not putting myself first. Maybe it's guilt for skipping off for 9 weeks of me time in LA but I'm trying to please everyone first and I'm missing out because of it.

I went home last night and announced to The Man I'm pulling out the challenge. He actually laughed at me, he found it hilarious. "But it's your challenge" he said. I know that's the problem it was bigged up at the studio that I was doing a challenge to prepare for TT. I'd much rather have not had this pressure on me but did I speak up...no, I even made the f*cking posters! So now I want to stop I'll be letting everyone down. What I did realise is that it is MY challenge for me. I've lost sight of that. I feel I'm doing it for everyone but me. Nothing in this world will prepare me for TT, apart from learning the whole dialogue before I go. So it wouldn't be too bad to quit now. I have 18 days left, 15 classes, "f*ck all" as The Man would say. 

I woke up this morning fully prepared not to go to yoga tonight. By chance I checked my email first thing as I was on my Mac anyway for some files. I received a very comforting mail from my roomie. It was just what I needed. I do have a billion things on my plate right now but that is part of the challenge. I packed my bag, I gathered my electrolytes, I even mixed up a protein & coconut water shake for later (the thought of the sickly sweetness is making me feel nauseous already but I'll give it a go) Least I'm going to Scarbs tonight so I will be kinda anonymous. I say this I as I totally feeling bad for snapping a fellow BYJ students head off on Sunday when she asked me how my challenge was going. I just want to do my practice tonight and not answer any questions. I'm grateful people are interested in my journey but for today I want to be just another student, which I am.

I just swallowed my teaspoon of cement and I'm "sucking it up Princess!" I will go into the room tonight and practice like it was my first class, no expectations, a brand new day, clean slate, start again. There will be no count downs till day 60 now, I am just doing what I do and what I love. Me first, what I want to do.

Apologies for the F bombs :-)

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