Final Post

I am saddened to be writing this but I've decided to put my writing on hold for a while. I'm signing off and shutting down this blog. I set it up to start with as a totally subjective journal of my own personal thoughts. Recently I have been feeling the strain to write from the heart, often posting rash thoughts without thinking it through. My posts have been more ego driven & about letting of steam, something that should be done in private not for the world to read. It's not the happy outlet it once was for me. I might be having a big dummy spit over this but hey all things must come to an end at some point. I think writing in here has run it's course for the time being. 

I know by putting myself out there on the www I'm opening myself up to criticism, not everyone will like what they read, I may not like what I am reading in the comments. Ego at it's best. I have received some feedback that has made me aware I am not in a good place right now.

I am truly sorry that the event in a recent post happened. (I am so ashamed of it now I have removed said post.) It involved me letting my ego take over when I was teaching. Life is a learning curve. I have drawn greatly from this and now realize how wrong I was in my actions. Even wronger to publish my out of orderness to the world. I'm grateful no long term damage has been done and the person involved is totally clueless to what I did. They were not ready to face their fears & it was NOT MY PLACE to decide they needed a push. I should do my job, just teach the class by the book. Ego is a tough rock to crack, to fully understand the difference between ego & true loving intentions is frigging hard at times. 

A quote from my Guru Rajashree Choudhury has brought this home to me:

“This is how I always look into it - I teach from the heart. I want people to really experience that because then you are very much true to yourself, because then you can never can betray your heart…The heart and mind have a connection together to make a conscious choice; then you are not blaming anybody.

I do give a very tough class physically. I like people to work with their body more… I don’t challenge people’s ego and fear. Ego and fear they should find inside themselves and recognize that - I call this finding your strength and finding your weakness . I don’t want to bring this to people before they find it for themselves. A person can change when they want to change; a person can find these things when they know they have them – if it is their problem.

Yoga helps you go to the core of sensitivity, open up the consciousness, and waking up that (thought process) ... really to me means self realization.”

Hence I am stepping away from this blog to get myself sorted out mentally, physically & spiritually. It's time to step out of the public arena. Maybe this whole blog was here to boost my ego, 'look at me, read about all the great things I do (or not), make me feel awesome about myself by showering me wonderful comments, fuel my ego, make me feel important.' I'm obviously lacking something in the 'real world' if I'm looking for attention from perfect strangers! Time to get offline & start getting real...

Thank you to those who have followed & read posts. I wish you all health & happiness. 

Namaste.

Realisations!

I seem to be on a blog roll this week. Maybe I have a lot of venting to do. I'm the sort of person who takes things to heart and can be known to dwell on stuff. After my post about Tuesday's pep talk I've been thinking more deeply about what I wrote. I still stand by my view of 'leading by example' but I have come to realise this can be interpreted in another way too. Rather than getting hung up on just trying to be the best I can and setting a good example to other students, ie. trying to be perfect all the time. I've come to the conclusion I can still set a good example without trying to be 'perfect.' After all perfection is the end of the road, no one can grow anymore once they reach it.

My future TT roomie and I have been chatting a lot for the past few months via email. It still amazes me how much we have in common, besides yoga & food, yet we have never met and live on different continents. I received a great mail from her today on the above subject. This is one of the reasons I have changed my direction of thinking. I now can take on board it is okay to have a bad yoga day, sit down, take it easy. I knew this already but lost focus. This is being honest about your practice. I'm not saying I'm gonna start hitting the floor when it all gets too hard, I've never done that, I've always tried but I have sat down when needs be. 

I was having a rough day in practice on Tuesday. I wasn't myself inside or out. Just happened this was picked up on but not explained. Funny how you get noticed when you don't want to be!

To set a good example I feel now is to show you are human and real too. Yes, set a good example by trying every posture correctly but now I realise if I'm seen to have hard day that is okay. Maybe this will reassure students that it's cool, we all have off days. We are not some goddesses that are indestructible, we all have off days. Maybe it's a good example to just be there in class trying.

Another friend I spoke to about this also suggested I don't kill myself before training. Yes try hard and don't get sloppy but save the killing till Bikram is actually there in front of me. I can't risk burning out or getting injured now. I must remember to stay honest and I'm allowed a bad day now and again. 

It's so awesome that a lot of the trainee's are bonding through social networking. A few have voiced their fears and frustrations to realise there are others out there with the same fears and worries. We are all facing the same challenge and have been there for each other already to give advice and share experiences. I can't wait to get there and meet them all. I have a good feeling we'll have a strong group and not have too many 'yahoo's' who might not be 100% committed to the cause. I'm clinging to the hope if we are all good little yogis, do our homework, listen attentively, practice honestly without drama, stay up till 4am without whining we might get not so many late nights or should I say early morning finishes...I can dream can't I?