Final Post

I am saddened to be writing this but I've decided to put my writing on hold for a while. I'm signing off and shutting down this blog. I set it up to start with as a totally subjective journal of my own personal thoughts. Recently I have been feeling the strain to write from the heart, often posting rash thoughts without thinking it through. My posts have been more ego driven & about letting of steam, something that should be done in private not for the world to read. It's not the happy outlet it once was for me. I might be having a big dummy spit over this but hey all things must come to an end at some point. I think writing in here has run it's course for the time being. 

I know by putting myself out there on the www I'm opening myself up to criticism, not everyone will like what they read, I may not like what I am reading in the comments. Ego at it's best. I have received some feedback that has made me aware I am not in a good place right now.

I am truly sorry that the event in a recent post happened. (I am so ashamed of it now I have removed said post.) It involved me letting my ego take over when I was teaching. Life is a learning curve. I have drawn greatly from this and now realize how wrong I was in my actions. Even wronger to publish my out of orderness to the world. I'm grateful no long term damage has been done and the person involved is totally clueless to what I did. They were not ready to face their fears & it was NOT MY PLACE to decide they needed a push. I should do my job, just teach the class by the book. Ego is a tough rock to crack, to fully understand the difference between ego & true loving intentions is frigging hard at times. 

A quote from my Guru Rajashree Choudhury has brought this home to me:

“This is how I always look into it - I teach from the heart. I want people to really experience that because then you are very much true to yourself, because then you can never can betray your heart…The heart and mind have a connection together to make a conscious choice; then you are not blaming anybody.

I do give a very tough class physically. I like people to work with their body more… I don’t challenge people’s ego and fear. Ego and fear they should find inside themselves and recognize that - I call this finding your strength and finding your weakness . I don’t want to bring this to people before they find it for themselves. A person can change when they want to change; a person can find these things when they know they have them – if it is their problem.

Yoga helps you go to the core of sensitivity, open up the consciousness, and waking up that (thought process) ... really to me means self realization.”

Hence I am stepping away from this blog to get myself sorted out mentally, physically & spiritually. It's time to step out of the public arena. Maybe this whole blog was here to boost my ego, 'look at me, read about all the great things I do (or not), make me feel awesome about myself by showering me wonderful comments, fuel my ego, make me feel important.' I'm obviously lacking something in the 'real world' if I'm looking for attention from perfect strangers! Time to get offline & start getting real...

Thank you to those who have followed & read posts. I wish you all health & happiness. 

Namaste.

Yoga - a martial art

Rough as guts

This post is about three weeks late now but I thought I'd share it anyway. When you've been practicing Bikram for a while & regularly, you forget how hard the practice once was for yourself & still is for others. Part of teacher training is to bring back those memories of feeling awful, being too hot, stressed and nauseous. Oh I did remember, very often, thank you Boss my compassion is now ingrained to my soul. 

I had another reminder of the rough side to Bikram the week after my wisdom tooth surgery. Sensibly I took nine full days off practice & teaching as I didn't want to be near the hot room with a body full of prescription drugs. I returned to my mat for the 4pm Friday class. Good yoga buddy J had joined me, we'd not practiced side by side for over six months so it was very exciting. 

First 25 minutes was great, no drama, mouth felt fine. Then I killed myself in SH2K & it was game over. Ego and fresh hamstrings were the main factors. Once my heart rate got up and my blood pumping I felt my head was going to explode...through the holes in my gums!! I sat out out of the first set of Standing Bow, I was on the floor again after Triangle. Having my mouth on the towel in Locust caused problems and by Spinal Twist I was so nauseous I laid out of that one. Funny as I was on the right side of the room everyone was turn & twisting to see me lying there, eyes screwed shut (major no no as you all know) trying not to loose my lunch. I even contemplated bolting before blowing in firm as I truly believed I was gonna spew. Rough as guts I was.

J even helped me roll up my mat and haul me from from the room the moment the instructor left. I sat in a crumpled sweaty mess in reception. A few of my regular students who knew I'd had surgery came over to offer some support. General consensus was we all agreed pain killers & antibiotics are useful & beneficial at times but they hammer your poor body. Mine just wanted to expel every last milligram out of me in that class.

It was a great reality check & opportunity for me to put my own words into practice. I'm always telling students if they feel sick to just lie still, focus on their breath & try to relax. I feel I was humble enough to know when I needed to sit down & not totally kill myself. Despite closing my eyes when I laid out toward the end, lying still did work. Water was another factor to my sickness, I was swilling it round my mouth as I thought it would help the throbbing in my gums, which is didn't. It just made me feel sicker. Stillness & breathing definitely does work, you just have to give to a chance to work.

Two more days later & I was back in the room & class went so much better. With a few more days for the drugs to get out of my system my body wasn't working so hard to detox. Three weeks later everything is healing nicely, no more horrific mouth throbbing, head exploding feelings!!

Lifted mood

I have just finished week 8 of the 60 day challenge. Home stretch, only 6 classes to go till I've completed the 51 classes in 60 days. This past week has felt like a cloud of fog has cleared. My roomie and I have both been dealing with some crazy stuff emotionally but I can see we on back on track. I am no longer angry. I've realised what emotions have been stirred up through my practice resonates in anger. Some people cry, I get mad baby!! I am an Aries after all, fire all the way.

I am sore now. I ache. I wake up with headaches despite drinking my own body weight in water. My muscles shake madly in Awkward, I fall out of the balancing series, I can barely lift my legs/body off the floor, my legs do not look like a perfect upside down L like Linda but who cares. I'm there, I'm present and I love this yoga.

I had probably the best class of the challenge on Tuesday night. It beat the socks off my last best class. We have a new visiting instructor from the States with whom I seemed to click with straight away. I like her style, she teaches an energising class to everyone as well as shooting out corrections and tips without blinking an eye. She's on it, she's on the whole room. You can not hide! You don't want to hide, her corrections are so encouraging and nice. Not that our usual teachers aren't nice but she makes you feel so relaxed without feeling bad you were doing it wrong.

I managed to skip out of work early and make the 5:30pm. My friend was finishing her 60 day so I wanted to be there. Tuesday is usually my Scarborough day so I missed out this week. Great class to finish on. DM rocked the front row and finished on a high. 

I received a lot of help in this class. I am flagging, I am tired so the encouragement really was appreciated. I've fallen into bad habits. Often if a lot of energy is directed on one student it can build the ego and take away the group energy. This didn't happen I feel. It made me stronger yes but the group was still working together. I have no ego right now anyway. A little help and high fives boosted my crumbled confidence. I needed a pick me up & I got it, I am very grateful. I busted out a nearly full expression of Sh2k. My toes flexed back toward my face effortlessly with both knees a locking, my hamstrings forgot they were tight, my standing leg was solid, concrete,one piece, lamp post, unbroken!

After class I was glowing. I felt awesome. I had a quick chat with the instructor who offered her time to chat about TT stuff if I needed. She also picked up on something that no one else has confronted me on. She asked if I worry when my practice is not spot on. She could tell I do. Probably as I scowl at myself or look annoyed when a posture isn't going well. I do have a strong practice (or else my director wouldn't be sending me to TT) but I'm no rock star. I do worry I'll stand out at TT for being a newbie who hasn't had years and years of practice under her shorts, just 15 months worth. It doesn't matter. I was told as long as I love the yoga, I want to be there and try to my best ability it'll be fine. And it will! 

I do love this yoga or why else would I have learned up to Wind removing pose!! (okay ego is back for this one but only coz I've put in the hard yards & studied my butt off this past 12 wks!) You get out of something what you put in. There's no free meal tickets for this one.