The first 30 day challenge of the year starts in three days. I've been trying to mix up my practice this year. I started with an attempt to move around the room and get out of my 'safe' place of front row by the side door. It's been going okay but I can try harder, a lot harder. This will be my challenge within the challenge. I might even ban myself from the front row altogether.
In my last 30 dayer I did every class in the front row, changing my location either side of the podium. Even days I felt flat I forced myself up front so I wouldn't be tempted to slack off and take a knee. Looking back now it would have been fine to take a knee, no shame, I had 30 classes to get through, I could have moved back, I should have.
However in today's class I couldn't let go of this thought of shame of kneeing it in the front row. To add to my mixing I've been heading down to another Bikram studio on weekends. Different vibe, different people, different shape room with dark walls and carpet and the tallest podium ever. The instructors are the same which gave me some security to cling to. Here I have been moving spots, I have no 'safe' zone there. Today I went front row. Around balancing stick I got the thought "what am I doing here at the front?!!!" My brunch of omelette 3 and a half hours earlier was coming back to haunt me or that was my excuse. I also have issues with justifying everything, there has to be a reason I felt woozy I just can't feel woozy for no reason!!!! I so badly wanted my knees but I was front row, there was only two of us and some first timers, I had to lead, I couldn't let the team down.
I stuck with it, the nausea came in waves. My mind was screaming for water but I knew even the smallest sip would make it worse. I held out. I actually managed some good postures once I turned off, breathed and focused. Till Camel.... That killed me. The yoga bus had a camel driving it at 120! I usually love camel, that crazy head rush of emotion but today I flaked. It's happened three times this year already I've quaked and come out early. That's nearly once a week. I think I allowed this easy cop out as I knew the people behind couldn't see me, unless they'd come up early too. Then came that thought "it's 30 day challenge on Tuesday will I make it?!!"
I made it through the 90 minutes, I felt shaky but took an extra long savasana. By the end of my 45 minute drive home I had that warm fuzzy feeling of achievement Bikram brings. What I have learnt from today is what we are told constantly; every class is different. I felt rough today but I made it, that was today, tomorrow will be different. In the challenge I need to let go, get in the room with no expectations. Stop listening to that monkey mind. I shall see if I can turn the volume off on that one! Also there is no shame is backing off, my body will get sore and tired I need to listen to it and adapt to suit.
I'm planning to take the next two days off but who knows I may make it to 8am tomorrow as I love this crazy yoga so much!!!