Final Post

I am saddened to be writing this but I've decided to put my writing on hold for a while. I'm signing off and shutting down this blog. I set it up to start with as a totally subjective journal of my own personal thoughts. Recently I have been feeling the strain to write from the heart, often posting rash thoughts without thinking it through. My posts have been more ego driven & about letting of steam, something that should be done in private not for the world to read. It's not the happy outlet it once was for me. I might be having a big dummy spit over this but hey all things must come to an end at some point. I think writing in here has run it's course for the time being. 

I know by putting myself out there on the www I'm opening myself up to criticism, not everyone will like what they read, I may not like what I am reading in the comments. Ego at it's best. I have received some feedback that has made me aware I am not in a good place right now.

I am truly sorry that the event in a recent post happened. (I am so ashamed of it now I have removed said post.) It involved me letting my ego take over when I was teaching. Life is a learning curve. I have drawn greatly from this and now realize how wrong I was in my actions. Even wronger to publish my out of orderness to the world. I'm grateful no long term damage has been done and the person involved is totally clueless to what I did. They were not ready to face their fears & it was NOT MY PLACE to decide they needed a push. I should do my job, just teach the class by the book. Ego is a tough rock to crack, to fully understand the difference between ego & true loving intentions is frigging hard at times. 

A quote from my Guru Rajashree Choudhury has brought this home to me:

“This is how I always look into it - I teach from the heart. I want people to really experience that because then you are very much true to yourself, because then you can never can betray your heart…The heart and mind have a connection together to make a conscious choice; then you are not blaming anybody.

I do give a very tough class physically. I like people to work with their body more… I don’t challenge people’s ego and fear. Ego and fear they should find inside themselves and recognize that - I call this finding your strength and finding your weakness . I don’t want to bring this to people before they find it for themselves. A person can change when they want to change; a person can find these things when they know they have them – if it is their problem.

Yoga helps you go to the core of sensitivity, open up the consciousness, and waking up that (thought process) ... really to me means self realization.”

Hence I am stepping away from this blog to get myself sorted out mentally, physically & spiritually. It's time to step out of the public arena. Maybe this whole blog was here to boost my ego, 'look at me, read about all the great things I do (or not), make me feel awesome about myself by showering me wonderful comments, fuel my ego, make me feel important.' I'm obviously lacking something in the 'real world' if I'm looking for attention from perfect strangers! Time to get offline & start getting real...

Thank you to those who have followed & read posts. I wish you all health & happiness. 

Namaste.

On my way home

Two weeks have flown by. I've had a great time here in the UK. I've just managed to see a most of my friends. It's impossible on trips this short to get round everyone & still have a 'holiday'. I'm very grateful for all those that have made the journey up north to see me and those whose have played out on a school night to catch up. I'm a little sad I missed out on spending more time with a certain few who should have been top of the list but I didn't fit into their schedule. But I won't go into that.

I have achieved a few of my main aims for this trip. I bonded with my two year old nephew. He'll probably have forgotten who I am by the time he see's me again. I've spent some quality time with my parents, one on one. We've had some nice day trips out together. This sounds like an obvious thing to do but when I'm here I get pulled and pushed in so many directions simple days out like this get over looked. 

Practicing at two different studios was awesome. Such a learning curve for me. I learned a lot about my mental strength when I'm physically challenged and out my comfort zone. After a great class in Chiswick on Monday, Thursday's Leicester class went off the boil slightly despite being in the cooler, cheat's spot. The progress I made on Monday wasn't matched. That's the way it rolls in Bikram, every day is different. 

My bags are packed, I'm skimming the weight allowance despite having a whopping 30kg thanks to Emirates. It's all been split over two holdalls as it just wouldn't fit in one. Mainly because I'm hiking my diving kit back to sell for much needed funds. I've had to abandon the winter boots I aimed to bring back and two other pairs of shoes. These can be posted.

I'm not as ahead in my dialogue as I wanted to be. I seem to have been working on Awkward part 2 and 3 for three weeks now. I ideally wanted them down and Eagle under my belt by now. I have retained the Half Moon series and feel good I am comfortable with these. Thirteen weeks till I get on the flight to LA so I shouldn't be too stressed. If I step up my game and get two down a week I'll have the whole series down in this time. Realistically = the standing series.

We'll be welcoming back the Spring Trainees next week. Congratulations to you all, I can't wait to here all about it and where I can do my laundry, food shopping and get a decent massage! I heard today Binny made it to the demo team for graduation. So impressive. There is no way I'd make that cut, I can accept that one already!! Looking forward to seeing the footage.

I have no idea when I'll be here again. Probably for the next wedding. I'll be riding a tight budget for the next year so this will be the biggest influence. This makes me sad as it's always nice to know when I'll be returning. Maybe I'll get some classes to fill in for next time? I'm looking forward to seeing my man. Skype hasn't worked out so well coz of the time difference. I will miss the dish washer and laundry service!!

Ta tar for now, see you all on the other side of the world!