What is going on with me!?!

I really don't have time to be blogging but I need a release. This is my coffee break, especially as I did have a coffee today from the next door espresso bar which is usually really nice and it was crap. I rarely drink coffee and this is why. It can be so hit and miss. The milk tasted too sweet and the beans tasted charred. I'm sad my colleague wasted his money buying this round.

Anyway slight side track there. As you know I've been seriously all over the place the last two weeks. I have been told so many times this is part of that great ol' process of a 60 Day Challenge. We had an amazing, eye opening seminar on the emotional side of Bikram yoga on Saturday. It deserves a whole post so I won't go into too much now. It opened my eyes as I ticked the boxes as to where I was tight and holding tension was linked directly with how I'm feeling right now.

I started having twice weekly massage treatments on my shoulders to combat the frozen muscles I have from my desk job. This progressed to seeing a physio and having acupuncture. It's worked, I feel less tight. However I learned on Saturday there is a lot more to my shoulder issue emotionally. I have too much on my plate. Instead of saying no to people I say yes as I know at some point I will get it done. I'm not putting myself first. Maybe it's guilt for skipping off for 9 weeks of me time in LA but I'm trying to please everyone first and I'm missing out because of it.

I went home last night and announced to The Man I'm pulling out the challenge. He actually laughed at me, he found it hilarious. "But it's your challenge" he said. I know that's the problem it was bigged up at the studio that I was doing a challenge to prepare for TT. I'd much rather have not had this pressure on me but did I speak up...no, I even made the f*cking posters! So now I want to stop I'll be letting everyone down. What I did realise is that it is MY challenge for me. I've lost sight of that. I feel I'm doing it for everyone but me. Nothing in this world will prepare me for TT, apart from learning the whole dialogue before I go. So it wouldn't be too bad to quit now. I have 18 days left, 15 classes, "f*ck all" as The Man would say. 

I woke up this morning fully prepared not to go to yoga tonight. By chance I checked my email first thing as I was on my Mac anyway for some files. I received a very comforting mail from my roomie. It was just what I needed. I do have a billion things on my plate right now but that is part of the challenge. I packed my bag, I gathered my electrolytes, I even mixed up a protein & coconut water shake for later (the thought of the sickly sweetness is making me feel nauseous already but I'll give it a go) Least I'm going to Scarbs tonight so I will be kinda anonymous. I say this I as I totally feeling bad for snapping a fellow BYJ students head off on Sunday when she asked me how my challenge was going. I just want to do my practice tonight and not answer any questions. I'm grateful people are interested in my journey but for today I want to be just another student, which I am.

I just swallowed my teaspoon of cement and I'm "sucking it up Princess!" I will go into the room tonight and practice like it was my first class, no expectations, a brand new day, clean slate, start again. There will be no count downs till day 60 now, I am just doing what I do and what I love. Me first, what I want to do.

Apologies for the F bombs :-)

Where's my mojo?

Week 6 of the 60 day challenge, day 40. Woww wee what a roller coaster this has been. I feel I'm done with it. I have too much going on in my life, the long days are catching up with me. This is all normal, it's part of the process. I won't quit, even though all I want is to rest & not burn out before TT. I'm still loving my practice I just wish that is all I could focus on. If everyday was a Sunday it would be great. I'm so ready for LA right now. I just want to get there and submerge myself in yoga and not worry about or do anything but yoga.

I've been talking with a good yoga friend who did the 60 last year. I know everyone if different but it's nice to hear other people experienced the same road blocks. Where as she was emotional at this point and just wanted to cry, I am angry and frustrated. I'm hating on things I shouldn't be letting bother me. I want to drop F bombs into my sentences on a regular basis, anger and foul language go hand in hand for me.

My cracks are starting to show, word has it I'm looking tired. Tuesday night the studio at Scarbs was rammed banged busy. One lovely spot right on the back row by the door was there for me. Just what I needed. Alas newbies arrived late and I jumped up and ushered them into my spot. I then matted down in the front row in the only available space. Bugger me, it ended up being right next to the studio director. This ended up being a good thing as it carried me through the class. I let my expectations go that I was gonna be lazy but I wasn't gonna kill myself either. We also had a brand new instructor who was lovely (despite a 3 hr half moon) and I wanted to make a good impression. Turned out I needed that class more than ever. I had my day off on Wednesday and didn't practice till Thursday night, technically 48 hours of rest to recharge me. 

Despite my reservations about doing evening classes and not being home at night I have done two weeks of nights. It's only short term. It's just something I need to do now, the extra hour in bed in the morning is just what I need right now. The morning classes lack energy, heat & numbers, it's draining. I feel bad that I should be spending more time at home as I'll be transatlantic for 9 weeks. On the other hand maybe taking that step back now will make the separation easier???!! (I wish) But I don't want to drift away completely. Oh the swings and roundabouts of life. 

Let's see what next week brings. Dialogue wise I'm doing blooming brilliant. Finished tree today, onto Toe Stand....