A week later

It's been a week now since I finished the challenge. I'm feeling good despite having what I could only describe as withdrawal symptoms of not practicing everyday. I actually felt a bit low on Tuesday afternoon and Wednesday, even though I practiced Monday and Tuesday. I'm adjusting back to my regular schedule but I'm missing all those daily benefits and endorphin rushes. It was hard not to go to the 6pm last night as I knew Shawn was back for a few weeks. I think I've convinced myself I need to take at least day or two off a week to relax and keep on top of the rest of my life. Once I'm adjusted again it will be easier. (& time for the next challenge in May!)

I practiced at 5:45am this morning and felt much better. It was a really small class and I matted down on the back row with lot's of space around me. Jo took the class which was great as I don't get to take her classes very often. I was complimented for my back bend which made me smile. It's a hard posture to tackle but I love that feeling of my spine bending the opposite way to it's usual hunched forward over a computer. I read a comment on another blog the other day but I can't remember who's blog it was. (I read so many!) However it was the super Dancing J over at Lock the Knee who commented that in the back bend dialogue it doesn't actually say that your arms have to stay back with your ears, it's just 'arms back immediately.' I had been worried that I shouldn't be bending back to my maximum capabilities until those biceps were glued to my ears. But no, I can go back and the arms one day will catch up, hopefully. 

Another thing I've noticed from my time hanging out on the back row is the number of people who aren't listening in Eagle pose - Garudasana. After you have twisted your arms like ropes and pulled those shoulders down so your fingers are below your nose the dialogue directs you to sit down low 'and stay down there.' Then wrap you opposite foot round your calf muscle. So many people I've seen stand back up to wrap, then sit back down. This was one thing I remember clearly from our posture clinic with Nathan Dennett. He told us to make sure we do not bring our hips up once we are sitting down low in the chair. Yes it's harder to wrap but that's the point, you need to be working hard. If you don't realise you are coming up, next class pay attention to your movements and stay down low whilst wrapping your foot. Below is Jules demonstrating an excellent Garudasana, look how low she is, thighs parallel to the floor. If you find it hard to wrap, practice at home or at work whilst your sitting on your chair. It works!

Garudasana - Courtesy of Bikram Yoga Joondalup

A new adventure

There you have it, I am going to Bikram Yoga Teacher Training aka Bikram's Torture Chamber or Yoga Boot camp. It just seems like a natural progression for me. I was thinking how I could improve myself and my practice? Then I made the realization I could achieve this and help other people at the same time. That made my mind up. I am a giving person, I rarely take anything without feeling the need to repay the favour. By becoming a certified instructor I can achieve a personal goal of learning as much as possible from the man who invented this practice, then impart this knowledge to others to help heal themselves of any afflictions they are carrying. I've said it before but I truly believe in the medical benefits of the sequence, it can heal bodies and souls. I want to pass on this message, I need to share the wealth.

I was scared to go public with my decision. All the usual worries about "am I good enough? Will I survive daily doubles five days a week for nine weeks? Can I leave my life for that long and up sticks to LA? How will I pay for this? What about my career!!" I do love my day job and will find a way to balance the two. I already have kind of as I do the design for the studio. My big fear was not being ready. After talking with Jo a few weeks back my doubts were erased as she is 100% behind my decision and actually encouraged me to aim for the Fall 2011 training instead of my planned Spring 2012. 

Having your studio director behind you is so important. You need their recommendation for the application form and all the help, support and guidance they can offer. At the end of the day it will be them that will be employing you so you want to feel like your part of the team. This journey will be mentally exhausting as well as physical, anything that will make that easier should be embraced. By having solid, inspiring mentors to fully prepare you and who have been through it themselves is priceless. The other instructors I have spoken to have been encouraging as well which is great. I'll need their help too to get my practice up to scratch.

Going public to my fellow students is the next hurdle I have to master. I don't want people to start watching me and comparing me or saying I'm not good enough. The two people who's opinions matter to me the most support my decision so if other people don't think I'm ready I need to let that be. Jo told me about a great book to read called The Monk who sold his Ferrari. I bought the audio version and have listened to it twice already. One chapter says by making a public pledge of your intentions you put pressure on yourself not to fail, to stick to your goal. The word is out now, I have to do this, no going back. I did want to slip away to training, do it and come back with the big "surprise!" But now I have realised I need to build my support system before I leave. 

Not many people have heard yet. But the few who have have been awesome. I received such lovely words of encouragement from two regulars yesterday. They said they'll be sending me positive energy and will be there to support me. So good to hear. After all these people will be my students in December. I need to know they've got my back when I'm up there on the podium forgetting my lines, pooing my yoga pants and keeping them in Triangle for five minutes. The BYJ community is so strong and caring I need them all to help me along this journey. I'll need bodies to practice on, mock classes to fill, willing volunteers that I'll only get by being open and honest about my goal. 

My practice may not be the best but my passion is there, I believe in the process. I'm not doing this because it's cool or the next new craze or so I can swan around in a cute Lulu outfit saying "I'm a Bikram Yoga instructor". This will sound cheesy but I'm doing this for everyone, not just myself. There are people out there who would love to go to training too but can't, so I will go and soak up that knowledge and bring it back to share with everyone.  

Now I have a new journey to blog about. Here's to my new sweaty adventure, the road to BYTT Fall 2011.

30 Day Challenge Testimonial

At the end of each 30 day challenge students are invited to write a testimonial. For November's challenge we had the incentive of receiving a 'surprise' if we wrote one which turned out to be a very cool yoga mat bag. As I was already on a writing roll I had mine finished in no time. It became more of a confession than a testimonial. Throughout the challenge I had, without sounding totally bonkers, an awakening. I realized that I was holding myself back from a journey that would not only fulfill a personal goal but will serve others in a positive way as well. I was terrified to admit my findings and 'go public' but as my words were promptly printed and put on the BYJ noticeboard there was no going back. 

Here it is blog fans, my testimonial for February 2011 30 Day Challenge:

"I have now accepted that I am completely obsessed with Bikram Yoga, I have joined the brainwashed. For the simple reason this yoga works. It works for me and I believe it can work to heal anyone of physical or mental afflictions. It leaves me energized, happy and often so exhausted that I can hardly speak. I only wish I’d found it sooner. After the first 30 day challenge there was a noticeable difference to my practice, it took me to a new level. There was no doubt in my mind this time round that I couldn’t do it again. I knew this challenge would be different from the first and I was looking forward to making the comparison.

I don’t have a deeply moving or tear jerking story behind the reason I took the challenge a second time. It bothers me a little that I don’t, I feel I need one. My main reason for taking the challenge this time, which I only revealed to Jo very recently and is still very much under wraps, is that I am considering going to Teacher Training. I decided I needed to test myself with daily practice in preparation for the grueling nine week schedule. I wanted to submerge myself in the Bikram bubble and soak up all the knowledge I could get. I’m a compulsive learner, I crave knowledge and always need something new to focus on. I don’t like rut’s, I don’t do safe, if I get too comfortable I need to make myself uncomfortable again (even though I get freaked out at the thought!). Challenges are perfect for me.

To add something different to this challenge I decided to blog the experience as a daily diary. At first I was unsure whether to share it with the world as it would be a very personal account. Did I want to let people into my mind? I let go and let them in. I have been overwhelmed how many people have embraced my ramblings and the positive feedback has blown me away. One friend in the UK was so inspired she decided to take her own 30 day challenge after not even practicing for a year. It made me realize that if I can reach out to people by writing about Bikram Yoga, then teaching it and physically helping people change their life might well be the right path for me. My ‘considering going to BYTT’ has definitely turned into ‘I need to go and as soon as possible.’ The intention has now been set, it will happen this year.

I am a very dedicated person. If I agree to do something then I do it properly and to the end. A thirty day challenge is a huge commitment and I planned to stick to it and follow the rules. In my own mind I decided to fully benefit from the challenge I needed to complete the full thirty days consecutively just like the first challenge, no days off. I succeeded in this task but I will admit I may
have become reclusive to those outside my immediate family. Luckily people came to visit me instead which took the pressure off. I even did an extra class just for fun. I set a mini challenge within the challenge to get out of my comfort zone spot in the studio and move around the room. I always tended to go in the same two or three spots so I forced myself to shift. I actually quite enjoyed
being back in the back row, no pressure to lead people, I could just be. It was a challenge to deal with the distractions other people bring and the blocked views. I kept reminding myself in a room of 400 trainees I may never see the mirror for nine weeks.

Overall I found this second challenge a lot easier. I knew what to expect and could organise my life outside of yoga easier. I had formed a routine last time so I simply picked it up again. Having the Friday morning early class helped so it meant only leaving work early on a Wednesday. I cruised the first two weeks, I felt strong and felt my body had picked up where it left off on the last
challenge. I didn’t experience any of the pains or cramps like I did the first time. I was stiff at the start of each class but this passed quickly after the first four postures. I hit a road block towards the end of week three. I wasn’t going anywhere, I may have started going backwards in some postures. I did get annoyed with myself which I know I shouldn’t but deep down I did want to have a breakthrough. Mainly I wanted to feel like I was good enough to go to training. Towards the last few days I did get frustrated with everything else in my life, food, washing, cleaning and work. I wished it would disappear so I could fully submerge myself in Bikram and finish on a high. But that would never happen so it was a case of sucking it up and just doing it.

I did finish the challenge on a high. Class 31, day 30 was excellent. I think the high energy of the group lifted the mood and gave me that final boost. I’ve made some new friends and expanded my circle further than the usual regulars I talk to. Challenges are a great way to bring people together as we all share a common goal. Looking back on my blog posts I realise now as long as I have the
passion for this yoga it doesn’t matter if my postures aren’t world champion standard. We never stop learning and there is so much more to learn. My new aim is to share this knowledge and help people to achieve their goals through this fantastic practice."

A Summary

One of the main reasons for keeping this blog was so I could look back and see how I did over the 30 days. It would be a record of at which points I may have struggled or had a breakthrough. For both there may be external reasons that aided or abetted me. Having a reminder of these reasons could help me repeat the good factors or avoid the not so good factors in the future. 

Compared to the first challenge I felt a lot stronger. My practice was in a different place to where it was in November. I knew what to expect with organising my life around the challenge so that it didn't stress me out. I went with the flow and I can safely say there wasn't a day I didn't want to be in that hot room. 

A friend, who has known me for about twenty four years, told me last night she finds it funny how obsessed I get with new things and I have such an addictive personality. I'd totally forgotten this about myself, probably as its so normal for me I don't realise it's happening anymore. Over the years this one friend would have seen me get OTT about many new pursuits. I like to try and experience as many different things as I can. Safe and normal is boring. Small obsessions come and go for me. I think this friend has realised now my obsession with Bikram Yoga has fast turned into a new lifestyle and way of thinking. A majority of instructors say they can't see themselves without this practice in their lives. This is what kept me going back every day, I needed this practice as it makes me feel so good. I can't see myself without it now.


The first two weeks of the challenge were easy for me, I flew through. I was excited, pumped up and ready to go. There was a fantastic atmosphere at the studio. Everyone, even non challengers, were all supportive and encouraging. (Thank you!) We all helped each other through. "The only way out is through," (Craig Villani) we had to keep going if we were to come out the other end. Some regulars/non challengers even turned up on our last class to cheer us on to the end. How awesome is that?! Bikram Yoga Joondalup is right up there on my happy places to be list. It's a pleasure to be surrounded by such good people.

I hit a road block in the middle of week three. I wasn't going anywhere, I was getting tired. I was doing a lot, not just the yoga but a full time job that requires creative thinking, precision and organisation. On top of that a commute that often takes over an hour. It frustrated me I had hit a rut in my practice. I wanted to move forward, I wanted to break my limitations. Looking back I only had two, maybe three what I'd call rough classes. Apart from a few Camel's I never took a knee, I completed two sets of everything. Even in the dodgy camel's I got into the set up and gave it a go. That is an achievement in itself I feel.

I made sure I kept  moving my spot in the room. It made such a difference to my practice. It challenged me further. It's amazing how different you feel in a different part of the room. There are new distractions to deal with. Staying in the same spot every class is easy, yes you can work on yourself without worrying someone else will put you off or steal your space as you go in a spot that minimizes this. Here's a thought, how much more of an achievement would it be if you were placed in the centre of the room, surrounded by people on all sides and you executed a strong Standing Bow Pulling without falling out despite everyone around you falling out, flapping or stealing your energy? I would feel happier about doing a strong posture surrounded by distractions than doing one on the front row with my nose on the mirror and minimal disturbance. 


When I was feeling flat I can say it could have been down to my diet. I was having real issues with sugar throughout the month. I wasn't eating cream cakes everyday but chocolate was playing a staring role. After quitting alcohol, I think I was replacing it with chocolate. I was thinking, 'oh I can have another few squares as I'm not drinking at the moment, saved some calories to spend on extra chocolate.' Classic. I wasn't doing this challenge for weight loss at all but I did keep at eye on the scales. Totally stupid. They didn't budge one kilo. My body was in shock, it thought a dinosaur was chasing me as I was on the run. It went into panic mode, clinging onto every ounce of nutrition it could and to save it up just in case. My cortisol levels were probably sky high. Now I've finished, chilled out and relaxed I may well see a difference. Not on the scales but it my clothes feeling loser. This happened on the last challenge and a few people pointed out my butt had vanished. Saggy pants all round. 


My skin was horrific the last few days as well. I thought zits vanished after you hit thirty?! Ahhh all those lovely toxins escaping through my skin. Probably hay wire hormones and cortisol playing a part as well. 


Now it's Monday. I finished on Wednesday night, took Thursday and Friday off which was hard. I got itchy feet on Friday thinking I wanted to go to class but didn't. I needed to rest, I needed some sleep. I had a good class on Saturday morning with Dom again. He was giving out a lot of pointers and adjustments. My mind is in over load now trying to remember all the new information I've collected over the past month. I took Sunday off which was again a struggle. I was craving the hot room. But I also needed time to reconnect with my man. With his new shift pattern at work it doesn't leave us with a lot of time together so Sunday was the perfect time to catch up. 


I was undecided which class to do today as it's public holiday there was a choice of 9am or 4pm. I didn't set an alarm I wanted to wake up naturally, which i did at 6:30am so off I went to 9am. Anthony lead a strong class. My muscles and mind were thanking me for the rest. My hips had locked up however and needed some extra encouragement to loosen. Standing H2K was improving again. I still need to keep my leg up, toes flexed back as I round down. My toes are starting to curl forwards to grip round my fingers as I round down which means my kicking leg will not be locked properly. My towel and mat made some comedy squeaking noises today which got me a sideways look from Janette. It was the rubber honest!!!


I am going to see how the rest of the week pans out. I'll take the 5:45am on Tuesday and Thursday resting in between. Maybe, like the last challenge, I will start to see improvements happening as I've absorbed the challenge, rested and moved on. I must carry on eating properly (get off that chocolate!!) even though the challenge is over my regular practice is four or five times a week so I still need to be aware of this. Eating better may well be what was holding me back in the last two weeks. I will only know with experimenting.


I'll post my 30 day testimonial tomorrow. It's up at the studio already if you can't wait till then. I had a pretty major personal breakthrough this challenge, even if my practice didn't. The testimonial will explain it all....

Day 30 - Finished in an awesome fashion

I'm writing this on Thursday morning and I can safely say I worked hard last night for our last day/class of the 30 day challenge. I woke up at 4:40am again, despite not having to get up this morning. (I did roll over & sleep for an extra hour!) My glutes are feeling the burn now and needed some Tiger Balm relief. It was an awesome class to finish on, 6pm with Dom. A few of us had arranged to do this class so we could all finish together. The supportive group energy was fantastic. It's the best part of doing a group challenge, the bonding that happens through this shared experience. Everyone seemed pumped and ready to go, get it done, finish on a high.

I had been joking the past few days about Dom taking our last class and how 'he'll kill us.' It's true he pushes us hard but for our own good. I think I was still holding on to his class two weeks ago when t he Yoga Bus ran me down. I'd prepared well, eaten lots of protein and spinach at lunch, downed a good four litres of water so nothing but my mind would hold me back. I matted down front row next to Gemma, in the same spot as Monday night actually. I think it does take a lot of courage to go here as your right next to the podium, in full view (and firing line) of the instructor and under a heat vent.

It was an uplifting, encouraging and motivating class. The cut on my foot was all forgotten, I'm sure it was burning but I didn't notice as I was so tuned into the class. It was one of those classic evening classes where I felt warmed up, lose and strong. Until I nearly toppled sideways in the first warm up stretch in half moon, no idea what was going on there. I really enjoyed the back bend, second set I pushed a bit further. I just would like my arms to stay glued to my ears instead of being a foot above my face. My Awkward was shocking. I had major leg shakes, couldn't keep my back straight and I knew I was physically grinding my teeth. I let it go, forgot it, moved on.

I had serious sweaty grip issues for standing H2K. Second set Gemma and I both dived in to get the full expression and fell out. We were called out for this and Janette's words of advice last week were ringing in my ears. I need to slow down. Spend some time half way, rounded down, chin in, just looking at my knee instead of racing down and losing it. 

The biggest test of my strength, will power and determination was to come in Standing Bow pulling. After the first set I was called out to demonstrate this in front of the whole class. I love this posture, it looks cool and the way it twists, turns, pulls your body in all directions feels amazing. I am no way in the realm of standing splits but I work hard on correct alignment and focus. I pulled it off, excuse the pun. It was hard though to hold it so long and I only just managed to come back out without collapsing. I zoned out and forgot there was a room full of people staring at me. I was definitely channeling my British Bulldog determination. Such a great saying, despite being an Australian now, I'm still British!! After class a few people commented they didn't realize that their pulling shoulder should be disappearing from view and what the true alignment should be. It's one thing hearing the directions in the dialogue but without a visual aid sometimes it's hard to compute. 

Standing Bow Pulling Pose - courtesy of BYJ

I had a few pointers in Triangle again as my legs were far too wide and everything was going squiffy. In standing separate head to knee I was told to separate my hands and use my fingers to push into the floor, which really helped get my hips in alignment and lock my knee. 

Then there was Toe Stand. The first set was disrupted by someone leaving the room. Even when asked to wait they still left which is a HUGE etiquette no no. Please people even if you are going to throw up, die, pass out if you can hold out thirty more seconds till everyone else has finished balancing it would be most appreciated. Those extra few seconds may well just sort you out and you may not need to leave. Especially at that point when there's a whole two minute savasana in which to sneak away. Back to Toe. Just before I bent forward I was told to stop and then try going down with my hands still in prayer. My knees aren't so strong but I tried and crash landed at the end. It's one to work on again as I am finding toe stand easy now. I am doubting I'd be able to reverse out with no hands, I can barely get up out of awkward with two toes on the floor!


The floor series went fine. We had some nice cool air circulating which was a great pick me up. Another student demoed a full camel. It was awesome. My back is no way that bendy yet. My Camel went well, no crazy head spins but my lower back was screaming from being pushed hard.


We all finished strong and it was a great feeling to be completing the challenge as a group. The last challenge finished on a Tuesday morning so we all had to rush off to work. It was nice last night to chill out, have a chat, get our complimentary Coconut water. My challenge now is to take two full days off. To recharge and absorb the last thirty days. It will be tough, I was even thinking of packing my bag just in case I wake up naturally at 4:40am tomorrow like I did this morning. But no, I need to rest, I must rest. Not long though, any more than three days I know I'll get the spins when I do go back. 


Congratulations to everyone that completed the challenge and to those that tried but might not have got to the end. At least you signed up, got your name on the board and that's a challenge in itself. It's been fantastic getting to know you all and bonding as a group. Thank you to everyone that has been following along. I am deeply touched by your feedback so much so I'll keep blogging. I have enjoyed having a space to share my Bikram adventures and pleased my ramblings have helped and supported some of you on your journey. Thanks to Jo and the BYJ team for organizing the challenge and keeping us strong and motivated. We have a great community at BYJ and I'm so happy to be apart of it. 

Namaste.

Day 29 - Class #30

Happy Saint David's day to my Welsh friends and family. It's official today I have completed the required 30 classes but in 29 days. This is a 30 DAY challenge so I still have to complete another class tomorrow to make 30 consecutive days of Bikram Yoga. I like rules and I like to stick to them or whats the point.

I was well protein fueled today with some left over silverside. I really could tell the difference with some decent food inside me. I didn't get any discomfort or hunger pangs. I did however have Yoga Brain this morning. I thought I'd forgotten my water. Easily done. I leave everything together on my kitchen floor in a neat pile and those who know me I don't travel light to yoga. Usually I don't have enough hands and have two bags on one shoulder. I even checked my car boot to see if it was rolling around in there. No, but not a problem there is lovely Fiji water to buy at reception. I did find my water after class in my car, in that spot in front of the gear stick. In the darkness the black bottle was invisible. With its insulated jacket on it was still cool which was great!

Karen was taking class today, her second day as a full time Bikram instructor after she made the decision to leave her accounting job. This is great as I only ever saw her on weekends, now we'll see each other more often. 

Today I came to the realization I actually quite like Balancing Stick. I like the way in sounds in Sanskrit "Tuladandasna." It's a quick ten second blast of pure heart thumping torture. Everything burns, arms, head, legs. You have to lock out both knees whilst lowering your body down and creating traction by stretching forward and backward at the same time. I used to hate this one, my heart would be beating out my chest, I'd feel dizzy and couldn't keep my balance. Now I just go with it and try hard. This is another example of when you do a posture properly as directed it is easier. If you give up and let your leg hand limp behind you or your arms drop too low you will use up far more energy and tire quicker. With the correct alignment and lighter, tighter limbs you'll rock it.

Tuladandasna - Balancing Stick. Courtesy of Bikram Yoga Joondalup.

I was blinded in Separate Leg head to knee today. I had a stream of sweat flowing into my left eye. I had serious problems keeping it open. This caused me to wobble and nearly fall over as I came back out as my balance was off having not kept both eyes open.

The cut on my foot was ripe again today. I let it get in the way of floor bow as where I grab my feet is where the cut is. It was very painful through out the whole floor series. Hardly surprising, it wasn't going to be comfortable an healing wound being pressed into a sweaty towel. 

Overall I had a good class. I must learn to let go when something doesn't go right. I scowl at myself when I fall out or can't quite get that last push. Other people have noticed me do it. Instead I should try smiling or even laughing at myself. I should know by now everyday is different, what I achieved yesterday could go belly up today. It's the way it is. I'm hoping I'll see some changes next week, once I've rested and relaxed and the pressure is off. If I don't it doesn't matter!

Day 28 - Monday 6pm

Due to a staff meeting commitment I had to pass on my usual 5:45am class. My body clock wasn't told this and still gave me a nudge at 4am to let me know it was nearly time to get up. I can officially say a habit has been formed here and my body has fully adjusted to the routine now.

Despite going at a different time than usual there were still loads of familiar faces there. Jo was leading us through today and we were being videoed for possible use on the BYJ website. Everyone seemed cool with this, I thought it was a good chance to pull out the stops and try hard. There were a few very alarmed people who weren't in the class but I saw afterward who didn't like the idea. I'd be keen to see the full video as you never get a chance in certain postures like Rabbit or camel to see if your doing it right.

I went front row, right next to the podium and under the hot air vent. This spot can be a killer as when you drop you head back in Pranayama you get a dry, hot blast right in your face. I felt strong but went too hard in the standing and was running on empty for the floor. This lead me to take a drink in fixed firm and before final spinal. My mind was in the zone in terms of not thinking outside the room, for some reason I managed to switch off my monkey mind.

I was given a slight adjustment to my lower hand in Triangle. For some reason I've started stretching up too much and my fingers are not aligning with my toes. My hand is floating around near my ankle. This leads me to lean my elbow to my knee for balance. It also means my arms are in the wrong place and I'm not in the correct alignment; arms - hands - toes. I sorted it out in the second set. I think I was avoiding placing my fingers to my toes as I tend to lean on them but as I discovered they can be touching without leaning. The stretch up and back will lift me up off my toes. I had some help stretching forward in half tortoise as well. It  makes such a difference with a little extra pull guiding your hands further forward and helping them stay there as you sink your hips back to you heels.

In the first savasana Jo read out a piece I found from the BY Manhattan blog about not attaching. It really helped me in this class as I had a nice fresh cut on the top of my foot (I dropped a gate on it) right by my Bikram scabs. The pain of sweat running over it and then having it pushed into the floor wasn't very nice. But after hearing that piece it helped me not to focus on it or let the pain become part of me.

Camel today left me feeling really sick. I laid down after the second set and I was spinning. I managed to breath through it, do the next sit up and get into Rabbit. It vanished, just like that and I carried on as normal. That posture is bonkers, does weird things to you. I must have had something that I needed releasing. Actually I know I did and now it's gone, washed away onto my towel in a salty puddle.

I felt good about this class, it wasn't my best but I didn't struggle. No breakthroughs. I think I am winding down now as I know the end is so close. When really I should be pushing hard as I'll be having two full days off at the end so I can afford to kill myself just a little bit.